SHYNESS AND SOCIAL ANXIETY

by Prof Dr. Bilal Semih Bozdemir

SHYNESS AND SOCIAL ANXIETY, PERSONAL HELP GUIDE

“I’m afraid to go to places in which I may be obliged to talk to people, before travelling I only think about the fact that I will probably only do stupid things or when I speak people will think I’m stupid. Actually nobody is like that but I feel like I really have a problem with myself. My only way to come in front of people is to be accompanied by my friends.

This isn’t fair, because the other guy has too much self-confidence.” “If I’m obliged to speak in a meeting I am never able to hold on myself, I mean I simply can’t resist. My feet stagger, my face reddens/blushes and I feel very sick. I feel that everyone is closely looking at me. I know that this is stupid and the other people don’t look like they’re the same situation. I’m thinking that they feel I never do something right. ”

Those are the thoughts of someone who is suffering from problems like shyness and anxiety. Even if people never talk too much about that, it’s a very common problem. This text aims to help you to get rid of this problem: * Be aware of the fact you suffering of shyness or social anxiety. * Try to understand what it is, what causes it and what it may lead to. * Try to figure out methods that may help you to get rid of your shyness or anxiety. Shyness and social anxiety are problems affecting both men and women. Most of us, at specific moments of our lives, we feel shy or concerned/worried in social situations. This is a more serious problem for those complicating the life problems they’re suffering from.

Do you suffer from Social anxiety? In order to check whether you suffer or not from a social anxiety, please put a ü mark at things or symptoms you regularly face. [ ] When you are in front of social situations, you feel a great and unbreakable fear. [ ] In front of other people you think you’re acting or ding something that may make you feel ashamed. What usually happens in your body? [ ] When you enter a place in which you meet other people, you feel nervous and feel some of the following in your body: [ ] Your heartbeat becomes more rapid, you have heart palpitations and poundings. [ ] You feel pain in your chest as if it were constricted. [ ] You feel tingling and numbness in your fingers and toes [ ] Stomach agitation and mobilization. [ ] Must go to the toilet. [ ] Feel nervous and tense. [ ] Tension in your muscles. [ ] Sweating. [ ] Changes in breathing. [ ] Feelings of dizziness. [ ] Flushing. What do you usually think about…? [ ] You know that fear is excessive and illogical. [ ] You feel like people are having bad thoughts about you. [ ] You think people are wrongly judging you. [ ] Before starting each and every social interactions, you think things are mostly going to be wrong. [ ] I always think that “I will display myself as if I was addle-brained” or “I will look like a dumb”. [ ] I think that “I’m annoying” or “I’m weird”. [ ] I always think “If I do something wrong people won’t like me” or “If I make everyone understand that I am nervous they will think I’m stupid” or “I shouldn’t look nervous” [ ] You have a negative image about yourself in your mind as you’re afraid of people seeing you. This could be astonishment, mindlessness, not being able to attract attention, weakness, cowardice and so on. [ ] After participating to a social activity you have thoughts such as “That was freaky” “I looked so stupid” and so on. Things you usually do… [ ] Sometimes, you get into very difficult social situations. And therefore you feel sad and worried. [ ] Even if it isn’t suitable for you, you hesitate or avoid entering social interactions you think are difficult. For example, instead of going to eat in a crowed canteen in your workplace, you prefer going to eat a sandwich outside. [ ] You avoid speaking on the phone. [ ] You do certain things such as memorizing what you’re going to say, suggest you help the community to keep yourself busy, speak for a short period of time and then go even run elsewhere, just to help yourself deal with some hard social situations. [ ] You drink more alcohol, smoke more cigarettes, and speak faster or continuously change places when you can’t relax in social situations. If you mark a ü sign in most of the boxes above it means you’re facing a social anxiety and anxiety. What is shyness or social anxiety?

Generally, people suffering of shyness and social anxiety believe that the other people surely will have thoughts or wrongly judge them. They think they are being closely watched and they are eager to create a good reaction from the neighbouring people. Meanwhile they’re afraid they are not as talented as other people and that they could not reach their goals. When someone’s socially anxious he/she is nervous, he/she has accelerate cardiac rhythm that’s to say their heart beats more rapidly, they may also have some symptoms such as dizziness. Their faces flush/redden or they stammer or are suddenly unable to speak. Some situations look more difficult than others. They feel relatively comfortable with people they already know or are familiar with, but the feel worried in presence of strangers. It may be hard for them to eat and to speak in front of people in crowded places such as canteens, shops and lines. Some people may start staying away from situations causing a great discomfort, which oblige someone to live a social life, or lost their jobs.

Others will look for what they call “safe behaviours” in order to avoid being in situations that may make them look stupid. That includes not to look in people’s eyes, sit down only near people they already know, sit down and hold something, slowly and hardly speak, keep oneself busy or pass from a conversation topic to another one just to avoid getting people’s attention. In summary, people living with a social anxiety are afraid other people are continuously having a bad idea about them, or that they may not be as talented or skilful as other people are. This makes for them, social situations difficult or even impossible to deal with. What causes Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is something felt by most of human beings however some people are more influenced or affected by this condition. It’s not a physical or mental disease’s symptom but it may sometimes be very staggering. Generally, it is due to the “lack of self-confidence” or our thoughts making us underestimate ourselves, which usually starts in the childhood. Some people on one hand, seem to be naturally too much worried about everything. Some people on the other hand, only becomes concerned about something only when stressful events arise in their life. What Provides More Social Anxiety? Sometimes people, when they are young feel socially more worried but as soon as they grow older they feel more confident. For other people this worry continuously grows as they are getting older and this becomes a lifetime problem.

This may be due to several things. 1- If someone has an anxious personality, they get use to the feeling of anxiety and they start having long-term beliefs which stipulate that they’re never going to feel at their ease in social situations. 2- Running from social situations keeps people from being accustomed to the amenities. This prevents them from feeling good and deprives their ability to cope. If they stay away from this situation it feels worse. And the next time they try they may get rid of it. But some people still apply a safety behaviour because they always think they can never learn to cope from their bad feelings and fears.

For instance, always staying with a close friend... 3- Someone with a social fear, always keeps in his mind a negative depiction or portrayal of himself when he’s being watched. When he’s in presence of other people, anxiety makes him to be more focused on them. Those socially anxious people continuously think about this depiction of their own, they feel anxious and believe other people to be freaky. They really don’t show much interest to how other people are answering them. They only make some wrong suppositions about what the other person’s thinking about them and that’s why they can never get rid of those negative thoughts and depictions about themselves. 4- They sometimes use the method of “Fear of fear” and thus in some situations people guess they are going to be anxious and hope symptoms such as “I know that whenever I speak I will become red”, “I won’t say the words loudly” or “what if people notice my hands are shivering”. These thoughts simply increase the anxiety even before they face a freaky situation. Social Anxiety Defective Circle Negative thoughts: - “I really look like an idiot.” - “I can’t make it. I can’t get rid of this.” After the social events, safety behaviours: for example, evade eye contact, being busy, sit in the corner. Long-term beliefs of never being able to feel good in social situations: “I’m not sufficiently gregarious or sociable”, “I’m boring”… Increasing negative thoughts before the social situation: - Avoiding certain things: “I can’t do that.” - Automatic negative thoughts: “I will never be able to succeed.” Physical symptoms: “feeling nervous, dryness in the throat etc.” The increase of physical symptoms such as sweating and anxiety during the social situations. Concentrating on oneself: “I look stupid”, “I’m sweating” etc. To sum up, social anxiety is due to and continues because of the lack of someone’s confidence. Because people got used to think they always feel bad in social interactions. In social situations because they use some safety behaviours and only focus on themselves How can I help myself to get rid of Social anxiety?

There are several ways to help yourself successfully get rid of anxiety. The approaches or techniques you’re supposed to use are listed below: - You have to understand your social anxiety. - Pictures and beliefs related to the social anxiety. - Instead of still focus on yourself, try to develop your personality. - Dealing with escape and safety behaviours. - Dealing with the physical symptoms of social anxiety. Understanding the social anxiety From now on you are aware of what may be cause of anxiety. To understand it better, doing the following exercises may help you. Think about and then try to understand in details everything that seemed difficult during your last month. This may help you in your effort to think about the situations that seemed difficult for you and to become aware of your own social anxiety circle. These are my social negative thoughts or thoughts coming automatically to my mind just after a social event: ………………………………………………… These are my avoidance and safety behaviours: ……………………………………………………. My physical symptoms: …………………………………………. Focusing on oneself my negative depiction about myself I also have in my mind ……………………………………… Keeping a journal about your episodes of social anxiety may be helpful in thinking again if you’re not able to see a clear picture of those difficulties. For one or two weeks keep a record of when you felt anxious and what happened at those moments. Take notes of what you did and what you thought after that very moment that’s to say write down your thoughts, your physical symptoms, your avoidance and cautious behaviours. When you have finally a clear picture of your problems you can start dealing with its different sections or start breaking your anxiety vicious circle. How can I erase my negative thoughts, my beliefs and images inside my mind? We all saw the role our thoughts play in the continuation of social anxiety’s vicious circle. Thoughts may be words or pictures and images in our mind. The following examples will help you to understand your own thoughts and identify what is the real meaning of the pictures you have in your mind. Automatic Negative thoughts: - “I don’t know what to say. People will think I’m stupid.” - As soon as I walk and go inside, everyone is going to look at me and I’ll tremble. - I’ll stagger and won’t be able to speak. - When I ask questions I really look emotive. Pictures: - Imagine oneself to be a shy little creature. - Imagine others being grinning while you trembles. - When you look at others, you seem to be reddened and sweating. - Imagine yourself having a shrill voice and think of other people as strong and calm. Taking notes of your thoughts and ideas may be very helpful. After learning what it is about you can start making efforts to break the vicious circle. In a specific situation, ask yourself if you didn’t mistakenly think about the following: 1- Am I a mind reader (medium)? For instance, he always thinks “I am boring”. If that’s so, you can’t find or see what the other person is thinking about me.

Therefore I trust my own negative opinion and I am ashamed of it. For example, “He doesn’t like me.” This is common problem for people with an anxiety about social situations and people having a negative depiction of their own selves. 2- Am I a fortune teller or a disaster announcer? For instance, “There will be a disaster and everyone will laugh at me.” 3- Do I make personal? For example, “All of them are laughing at me, they must surely be talking about me”. Or “He looks nervous. Perhaps he thinks he’s obliged to discuss with me.” 4- Do I only focus on negative things? For instance, “When I really want to talk with my friends, I am made to shut up.” (Forgetting about the fact I could talk with other people on a specific day) This wrong thoughts means you think some situations aren’t equitable or fair for you. Trying to figure out why what happened occur like it did may be helpful. The best way for you to do that is to make two columns. One of them should include thoughts that make you anxious, and in the other one you should write down your more balanced and more truthful thoughts. For example: Anxiety thought: “If I don’t stay quiet I’ll say stupid things and people will think I’m different.” Balanced thought: “People don’t think I’m different, my friends told me I look like a very logical person but I’m still waiting for people to think negatively about me.” Anxiety thought: “I always speak nonsense. I should surely look like an idiot.” Balanced thought: “Nobody is disturbed by that. People comes here to talk. I surely can’t be that bad.” Now note some of your thoughts and write down as much answers and balanced thoughts as you can. Now take a look at your wrong thoughts. Asking yourself the following question may be helpful: “What could you say to such a friend of yours?” The objective is to catch up more quickly and instantly give back answers to those anxious thoughts. It necessitates too much training. However it’s very helpful. How can I keep myself from thinking about the feeling of being observed by everyone? Researches showed that people which are socially anxious, are more likely to focus all their mind on themselves in situations or environments in which they feel anxious.

These also showed that it may lead to their habit of trembling, sweating, having a red face or difficulty of speaking. - In negative thoughtful situations they concentrate on the negative opinion and depiction of themselves we talked about above. - They have strong negative points of view about what other people think about them. - This prejudgement is mostly not really what people think about them. - They feel as if they had the whole attention of people and that most of it was negative. Methods to help someone to reduce the focusing of his whole attention on himself: - Observe yourself in social situations, pay attention to what usually happens. - Look at the environment and the neighbouring people. - Listen to what is really being said (not to your own negative thoughts). - Don’t take the whole responsibility of making discussions continue, silence is right. Other people may be very helpful. - Start to understand that your physical symptoms aren’t as you think, really noticed by people. - Try now not to check if your symptoms were so obvious that people were aware of them or not. - Try to believe that people don’t hate you just because you’re a naïve anxious person. Would you hate someone just because he or she is a naïve anxious person? - Try to notice you’re not everyone’s centre of attention or focus.

Try to think about some of those ideas and you’ll notice they are useful. Start to fight and retrieve from your mind your long-term thoughts such as the fact that you’re never feel good in a social event.